As you have already read (at least I hope you have), C and I had an unusual beginning to our relationship. What neither of us knew then was that it didn’t end there. In fact, neither of us even knew that it didn’t begin at the beginning. Let me tell you another story…
Once upon a time… No, I’m just joking. Sorry. It was right there and I had to. Moving on…
Remember when you were little? I mean really little. You were scared of the dark, you had a night light and you slept with a stuffed (or not) toy and you had a security blanket and you had your parents check the closet and under your bed for monsters and all that? Do you remember being that little? I do, but I wasn’t afraid of the dark. I was afraid of my shadow…that creepy thing followed me everywhere!..and it didn’t even look like me!!!
I slept with a stuffed, windup mouse that plays (I still have it) part of Brahms’ Lullaby. I also kept the baby blanket that my grandmother made for me near by. I slept with Mousey (the mouse’s name) for years…until his music box started rotating inside his body when I tried to turn the key to wind him up. And then I slept with him some more.
I knew it was unusual to sleep with a stuffed animal past elementary school age. So I made myself stop when I was in fifth grade. Then we moved and I needed Mousey to come with us…but he got packed by the movers instead. My parents wound up getting me a new stuffed animal to sleep with. I don’t remember what it was because it wasn’t important to me. It kept me company while we drove across the country, and while we waited for our house to be built. As soon as Mousey was unpacked that other stuffed animal was tossed into my closet, never to be seen again.
Fast forward a few years. I had weaned myself off of Mousey a couple more times. Once shortly after moving into the house and again shortly after my father came back from deployment overseas. I was a sophomore in high school and things were going great. I had gotten a new bear recently (within the previous year) and I named him Bastian after the kid in The Never-ending Story. I remember being at the school’s open house because the orchestra had to perform for the parents. That was the night I found out my parents were getting a divorce. At fifteen and a half, I knew that Mousey was too fragile to turn to again. Instead I turned to Bastian. I slept with him in my arms every night. I had already begun my battle with depression the year before, so it was a definite comfort to have someone with me all night.
Bastian brought me so much comfort that if I was having a day where I felt particularly needy or vulnerable, I brought Bastian to school. Every once in a while I would change things up and take a different stuffed animal with me so that a pattern couldn’t be seen. I quickly learned who my true friends were because they were the ones who didn’t bat an eye at seeing a stuffed animal at school.
During that same period of my life I also went through a phase where I put jingle bells on my shoe laces like I’d seen parents do to their toddlers when I was younger. That was also when raves were really big. You know what came with raves? Plastic pacifiers! You know who used one just because? This girl!
One summer I babysat one of my dad’s coworker’s kids. I would give them weekly rewards for good behavior. One of the rewards was a trip to the dollar store for a new toy. While they were looking at toys, I got coloring books, crayons, markers, and baby bottles. To this day, I still cannot explain why I bought them except that I needed them.
Then I met S. S was the guy I dated who arranged my getting together with C. When I started dating S, I made myself stop sleeping with Bastian because I didn’t want to be seen as a child, but as an adult. Oh, I kept him, and I explained his significance. I also had Mousey with me when we lived together. I lost so many things in that relationship that it is a miracle to still have Mousey and Bastian. I didn’t sleep with a stuffed animal the whole time I was with S. But then I started dating C exclusively…
C and I got together shortly before we had to move out of the place we all lived at the time. We didn’t become exclusive, though, until after I lived with him. We worked close to the same hours but our days off together were inconsistent due to his schedule. When he wasn’t home to cuddle with at night, Bastian was. Eventually C became aware of me sleeping with Bastian and he was allowed to stay in the bed no matter what. We even started buying each other stuffed animals as gifts. And a habit was formed.
Let’s fast forward again. C and I are now married and we have 2 kids. They’re both in elementary school and I was a student at a local university. A certain book trilogy becomes insanely popular and brings BDSM into the spotlight. Being the nonconformist that I am, I didn’t read the books until most of the hubbub died down. I was hooked from the moment the heroine met her lover. I devoured all three books in e-book form. Then, I searched for more BDSM books. I read book after book after book until I just happened to read a book that mentioned a popular social networking site for kinksters. That was when I had that record-scratch-everything-stops-so-you-can-hear-a-pin-drop moment. I immediately stopped reading my book and Googled this site and my heart stopped. This stuff that I was devouring was REAL. Like R-E-A-L real!
Before that moment, I had no idea that people actually did this stuff. I didn’t realize that people really tied each other up during sex. Or that they used floggers and crops and canes and whips. I had no idea that people really used paddles. So I learned. I joined the social network. I Googled. I read blogs and posts and learned what sadism and masochism are. I learned what Dominance and submission are. I read and searched through this networking site. I wanted to find out if there were people in my area that did this and something that popped up was the word “little.” Being the curious thing that I am, I went back to Google. And the result was this: Mind. Blown! You know those images in cartoons of mini-atomic bomb-like explosions for a character’s head. That was me.
Suddenly everything clicked! The bells on my shoes in my junior year – click! Sleeping with a stuffed animal for most of my life – click! My love of cartoons and dislike for live-action – click! My desire to use pacifiers – click! My desire for a bottle – click! My love of coloring – click! I was so relieved to find out I wasn’t alone. I learned that I am a little and that the type of dominant that typically paired well with a little is a Daddy Dom (or Mommy Domme or Caregiver or any other myriad names).
I continued to read e-books. I accidentally found a book about polyamory. Back to the site I went. Sure enough! Polyamory is a thing too! And the way that C and I started our relationship started to make sense. But I wasn’t all the way there yet. Remember, I have lots of different aspects of my life to share and help you with. What I mean is Christianity tells me no…but we’ll talk about that more later.
I didn’t tell C about any of this. Not yet. Instead I threw myself into this social networking site. I lurked. And I watched. And I read. And did it all some more. I joined groups and lurked and read and finally got brave. I contacted someone. To my amazement, they wrote back. We got to know each other. We connected. We talked some more. We started talking about D/s (Dominance and submission). He gave me tasks. I completed them. He gave me more. I did them. And so on until my life got in the way. Then he got upset with me but we discussed it and worked it out…I thought. I thought wrong because he ghosted me shortly after.
Discouraged, I carried on. I lurked, and read, and watched…but this time I let the people come to me. The next guy I talked to… well… all he wanted was sex and to be called Daddy. This guy isn’t even worth the key clicks that he’s getting to tell you about him. Wasted my time.
I told C about this site toward the end of my association with the worthless guy. He joined. We talked. I told him some of what I’d learned over the couple of years I’d been on the site. Not all of it, not all at once. Over the last few years I have been sharing more and more of myself with him. I talked to him about polyamory. We started exploring DDlg. We stagnated. We explored a bit more. We tried our local BDSM club. We stagnated. We’ve talked…and explored…and talked some more. We’ve figured things out for ourselves. That’s the best part of the lifestyle! You do what works for you and nothing else.
Then 2020 happened. COVID-19. If you don’t know what that is, ask. We’ll be happy to share our misery with you. Lockdowns. Shutdowns. Horrible. That’s what this year has been in a nutshell: horrible. But some good has come from it too. Technology has become an acceptable way to socialize. Pajamas in public, and not just at Walmart, became acceptable. Staying home is preferred – sorry extroverts. Grocery store workers and truck drivers become appreciated for the first time ever. But I digress…
At this point I have had Discord downloaded on my phone for about a year, but had never joined a server because I didn’t know how to find one on my phone and thought I had to be invited. I had also joined another couple of websites that catered to the Cg/l (Caregiver/little) community. One of these sites sent me to a blog. This blogger and I have become so close that we call each other sisters. Anyway. Her blog sent me to a Discord server and I joined. We no longer belong to that server, but together with her husband we have created a server for anyone in the BDSM community. Most of our members belong to the Cg/l community, but we all strive to befriend any- and everyone who joins. Again. I digress…
In this server, we talk about the lifestyle openly. There is no shame or judgement there. One of the things talked about was age regression. As I was denying my regression (I still maintain that I don’t always regress) I discovered that I am not just a little. I am also an Adult Baby (AB for short). I learn more about myself through the lifestyle than I do by being vanilla (aka not kinky). And I wouldn’t change a bit that I’ve learned.