Sorry for missing my Friday post last week. Let me make it up to you now.
No, that isn’t me…or anyone I know. This photo, aside from the weirdo looking at the camera, represents part of what I want. No, I don’t mean being skinny. As amazing as that would be, I haven’t been skinny since I was in early elementary school. Let me give you another hint.
No, I don’t want to be used as a piece of furniture. If that’s your kink, that’s ok…it’s not mine.
I want to have more than one guy in my life. But not just that. My guy needs a guy. I’m pulling C out of the closet here. C is bisexual, but has never acted on it. I am polyamorous – more specifically polyandrous. Polyandry is basically one girl with more than one guy. My ideal would be for C and I to share another guy. It’s called a closed triad. I am with C and C is with me. I am with guy and guy is with me. C is with guy and guy is with C. And any combination you can think of with the three of us.
There’s a reason I’m calling it my ideal – a few reasons actually. First, I’m a Christian. The Bible gives us rules to live by. There isn’t a single place in the Bible that says polyandry is ok. Second, C hasn’t been with a man. Third, the Bible is against men being together. Fourth, we have kids. Even if the other three problems went away, we still have kids in the house. Finally, C is proving to be a very jealous man. That can make life very difficult at times.
We grew up in a time when homophobia was very much a thing and that has shaped parts of us. So C has a difficult time accepting that he is bisexual. Add in Christianity saying that homosexuality is wrong and you have a recipe for disaster…or at least difficulty and guilt. Actually, scratch that. Homophobia + Christianity + bisexuality = living in denial. So that, as Christians, is what C and I both do. Until recently.
Once I discovered that BDSM and polyamory were things that people actually lived in their day-to-day lives, I had to learn more. So I found a certain social networking website that caters to the lifestyle. I dove in. But not really. I signed up. I lurked. I messaged back and forth with a few people. I met a guy. We talked. We connected. We talked some more. He called himself my Daddy. He started giving me tasks. I was in a honeymoon phase with the lifestyle, and I was uneducated, so I did them. He told me to buy an anklet with some weight. I couldn’t find what he was looking for, so I wound up getting a men’s chain and wrapping it around my ankle twice. Then he ghosted me.
I met another guy. He seemed like he had his life together. He didn’t. He seemed like a real dominant. He wasn’t. He was just a guy who wanted to be called Daddy and wanted sex. No thanks. Not worth my time.
I stopped trying. I kept lurking. C joined. I lurked more. I responded to topics I felt had value or I could give a different viewpoint. I lurked some more. I got a few trolling messages that I never responded to. I pretty much went inactive. I still look at it once in a while, but I haven’t seen anything worthwhile in a long time.
I told C about being a little. He wasn’t surprised, but he was confused about terminology. That’s a different story. Discovering C’s bisexuality is a different story too, but both happened at about this time.
I gave up on just about everything. I just decided to continue my status quo and be myself. In the couple of years since, I found some overalls that fit. I found some adult onesies…marketed for adult women as everyday clothing, not for DDlg or ABDL. I have realized that graphic tees are my usual little clothing of choice, but if I’m feeling really little then I wear my overalls. I have also discovered that my feet are small enough to wear a Skecher’s big girl 5 (aka women’s 7) in US sizes, so I love buying and wearing light-up shoes!
Then 2020 came. Everything started off well enough. But then COVID-19 happened. Everything shut down. And I got lonely. So I spent more time online. I signed up for more forum/social networking sites. I never interacted with anyone and I was still lonely. Then someone re-posted a blog post about being Christian and into BDSM. So I clicked the link and read the post. I saw more posts, and explored the blog. I saw mention of a Discord server and an invitation link. So I clicked it. I joined the server and had every intention of lurking and seeing if anyone would talk to me on their own. Something went wrong when I joined the server, though, and the bot didn’t acknowledge my acceptance of the rules, so I couldn’t see half of the things I needed, make that wanted, to see. So I spoke first.
I spoke more. I made friends. Then I slept in one day and all hell broke loose. When I woke up, I found out that the owner of the server was and probably still is a satanist. Two of the admins are Christians. They got into an argument over religion. The server split and a new server was formed. Naturally, being a Christian I followed the mass exodus and joined the new server. I wound up on the admin team on day 1. I now call the server owners, a married couple, my brother and sister. Time passed.
Two weeks in a man joined. Let’s call him M. I didn’t think too much about it at the time because I was still settling into my skin as an admin. Then a week went by and I noticed his presence more and more. He was very quiet, but kind. He always had, and still has, a kind word for everyone. As he settled in and I became more secure I noticed that he was very playful. But he often gets ignored because he isn’t as loud or boisterous as the others in the server. He doesn’t talk just to talk. He needs to have something worthwhile to say. He will answer nearly any question you ask him. If you stumble upon a sensitive subject, he gently lets you know. His head is full of some of the most random knowledge I’ve seen or heard. I think he’s incredibly intelligent. He says his head is full of useless knowledge.
I knew very early on that he is supposed to be a part of my life. I didn’t expect how he would be part of it. He and I sort of stumbled into a DDlg relationship. It is an intense feeling when that happens. We got closer. Emotions came closer to the surface. I became very clingy. He didn’t handle that well and became distant. So I tried to cling tighter. He left. Let’s just say I didn’t handle that very well at all. Then we talked. I let him go as best as I could. I understand where he’s coming from. It doesn’t make it any easier to reign myself in, but I do what I can.
Then he came back to the server…for almost a whole day. I freaked out. I didn’t handle that well either. But we talked. And we’ve talked. And I leave him alone. And he came back to the server again. He’s stayed. And we’ve fallen back into a DDlg relationship, but this time I am determined to keep it strictly platonic. I am taking into account C’s jealousy. I am taking into account our Christian beliefs. I am trying to help M overcome his reluctance to be in the same room with C. I am also trying to figure how to balance all three of our needs and wants and desires. I’ll keep you updated as I figure things out and things progress, ok?