Depression. I’ve talked about it before. It sucks. No seriously, it literally sucks the life out of you. Depression and I are not strangers, but I wish we were. I actually had a good couple of years thanks to medication, but about a month ago that changed.
It snuck up on me. Not like a friend who sneaks up behind you and scares you as a joke. It snuck up on me like a murderer intent on killing me. I didn’t notice at first. At first, I was just more tired than I had been in months. (The pandemic has actually been great for my mental health, and I’ve been needing less sleep to get through the day.) Then, I freaked out over wanting to stay home versus needing to go out. Then, I didn’t want to use my binkie. And it’s snowballed from there.
Even worse? I haven’t wanted to be little or a baby. As much as I love my sippy cups and bottles and binky and plushies, I haven’t wanted much to do with them in the last month. I’ve stopped trying to earn my stickers. I never wanted to put my stickers on the calendar, so that’s no different. (I think that Aboji needs to do the stickers as a form of acknowledging my work.) But I haven’t wanted anything to do with it.
Then, I had a couple of good days. I almost felt like I could be little, but must have subconsciously decided against it. And that’s lead me to three decisions: 1) I still need to call my psychiatrist (I decided against it when my good days hit), 2) I need to try training my dog to be a service dog again, and 3) I need to CHOOSE to be little. I need to have Aboji and Dada help me with it too.
I need Aboji to take control and tell me it’s time to X, Y, or Z. He needs to tell me he’s going to give me a bath or shower. He needs to fill my sippy cup or bottle and give it to me. I need Dada to give me tasks too. I also need him to ask if I’ve done them. But I need to be the one to choose to read a children’s story and color. I need to choose to wear clothes that make me feel little. I need to choose to carry my plushie with me, and I need to choose to use my binkie.
Depression sucks the life out of me…literally. I have to make the choice to fight it. Just like I have to choose to let my true self through to shine.