Welcome to my vulnerable bonus post…kind of like a confession. Here’s me showing you all that I’m not perfect by any means.
Today I’m feeling little. I woke up late, got K off to school, played on my phone a bit before realizing the teens weren’t awake and getting ready for school yet, got them up and promptly lost my mind. When Aboji got home from work, I laid into him, yelling at him (intent, not volume) about needing him to have more than one night off per week.
After the teens left for school, Aboji gently confronted me about how my greeting, or rather lack thereof, made him feel. He told me that by yelling at him he didn’t feel wanted. He also said that me telling him that he needed another night off so that he could deal with the kids rather than for me to spend time with him made him feel like he wasn’t valued. He mentioned a note (I think, he wasn’t too clear on that) in the break room that said the company comes before the individual and that his bosses don’t care if he needs another night off.
I may or may not have lost my shit right then and there and screamed at him to get a different job. Okay, I totally lost my shit and screamed at him. It was like someone else took control of my brain and said be more selfish. I kind of regret screaming at him. Okay I really regret screaming at him.
Since then, though, I’ve been feeling little. I want my binkie. I want cuddles and not just any cuddles, blanket cuddles. That’s what I call it when I’m wrapped up in a blanket (or at least covered by one) and then cuddled. Not both of us in the blanket, just me. It feels sooooooooooo good to me, and it’s my absolute favorite way to be cuddled…kind of like a baby being swaddled.
So yeah…I want my binkie. I want blanket cuddles. I want my big plushie bear. And I want my Dada.
I guess I’m feeling vulnerable and want reassurance that Aboji and Dada aren’t going anywhere no matter how ugly I get. That I’m worth the time and attention even when I don’t feel like I am.
The hardest part? I don’t want to ask for any of it. I don’t feel like I deserve it. Cos Aboji was right…I didn’t treat him right. I acted like a shrew. I should have thought about my words and actions and measured my words before speaking. But just like teleportation, time travel isn’t a reality so I have to live with my actions.
Side note: Yes, “cos” is a real word! I looked it up a long time ago. It’s a shortened version of “because” It’s just used in British English, not American English.